MRI results - finally!!

Today I met w/my neurosurgeon. I have been waiting for this day for 9 months!! To finally see if the tumor shrunk and the cells are dying and the darn thing was killed.

So, I'll tell you how it all went down.

Arrived super early (smile) at my doctor's office. It's been raining all day so I didn't want to hit an accident on the freeway and be late so I was half hour early! So, what do mom's do when they have a little time? They do things like clean out their car because things get neglected when you are a mom! :)

After cleaning my car, I went up and got there 15 min before my appt. I waited about 5 min and they sent me in. I think I was the first appt in the afternoon so I thought that I would be seen quick..........ha ha - NOT!

Well..................then the waiting began.

10 min went by, then 15, then 20, then 30, 35, then 40.....

When you are waiting for results like this, everying fricking minute seems like an hour! Doesn't it??

So, I brought a notepad w/all my questions (always do) and I started to doodle when I was waiting. I was so nervous that it then turned into nausea, anxiety, crying, anger, getting po'd at people laughing outside my door, blah, blah, blah. You have ALL been there at doctor's appt's and know what I mean.

Anyway. Here is a little of what my doodling said:

"22 min and waiting. The waiting is a killer. I keep wondering why it's taking so long? Is the Dr. reviewing my MRI and it's bad news? Is he getting a 'support' person to come to his office so that they can come in together? Is he consulting w/another Dr. on what to say because it's grown and since my tumor is so rare, he doesn't know what to think? Don't Dr's realize the waiting sucks and can literally make someone have a heart attack?

Almost 25 and counting. I guess if it was really bad, they would have made sure I didn't come in alone, right? They would have made that phone call, 'Please make sure a spouse or family member is with you,' - right? Or, the nurse wouldn't have posted my MRI right in front of me, on the computer, to stare at? Hmmmm....I have seen my tumor a hundred times on the MRI, maybe I can take a look at it and see if it's grown? (**I know what you are all thinking at this point, I am really starting to lose it??!!) Oh my gosh! It looks like it's spread! Isn't that 'white' area the tumor and it looks like it's all over? Oh my gosh! Egads! F*$&! Why would that dumb nurse put this in front of my face to look at? REALLY?!

Come on!! What is taking so f'ing long! 32 minutes. It's so quiet in this room yet any little noise outside of my room I am over-analyzing to see if it's the doctor! I think I hear him now? Oh! There are footsteps outside my door? Here we go??

Wait, wait, wait........nothing.

If nothing happens in 5 minutes, I 'll open the door and do the, "Uh, excuse me....do you know how much longer the Dr. will be? I need to let my work know??" - something dumb like that! 5 more minutes.

Maybe he is in surgery? Oh wait! I think Tuesday mornings he is in surgery right? Is that him or is my oncologist? Or my ENT? Too many doctors to keep track of! :(

I hear the nurse laughing.....would they really laugh if someone is getting bad news? No........maybe........they see stuff all the time. I was a medic - I remember.......you become insensitive to these things. F*#* again.. :(

It's pouring now outside....is that a sign that angels are crying because I am about to get bad news? The rain isn't sounding so great right now.

Where is he? 40 minutes and counting! Few more minutes and I am going to lose it, go out there like some crazy woman and then they'll kick me out and I will never get my results! Relax, he'll show up!

Stomach is cramping, I feel like I am going to puke......what's that?

I think he just came in the front door. Yes! That's him!

47 seconds later, he walks in the door."

- The End!

Yes - that is what I jotted down while I was waiting? Crazy, huh?! This stuff can make a person go insane? Plus, your mind is a powerful thing - that 41 minutes was BRUTAL!

Dr. Ghosh walked in and apologized profusely! He got into surgery late this morning (I knew 'one' of them had surgery on Tuesday mornings!) :) He was very sincere so I couldn't yell at him but I did tell him, "Well, I am a little anxious about my results." He then proceeded to tell me that the tumor was the same size. Same as last the one. Is that good? Well, it's good that it's not growing. I was hoping that it shrunk. If it had shrunk, it would mean that the cells were dying and the tumor was dying, BUT - only 30% of tumors will shrink. The rest will stay the same size and you may just have it that way forever. The problem though is because my tumor is so rare, they are going off of statistics of an acoustic neuroma (the 'neighbor' tumor to mine). They are similar. He reassured me that we are 'right on track' and that 'no growth is good news.' Yes it is.

So, another 6 months I will have another. Hoping to see it shrink or still the same size. After that (if there are no changes), I will get one yearly.

I was SOOOOOOOOOO drained after that appointment. It was raining hard and I decided to drive up the hill to a Lodge I had been to before for a massage and they had an opening. FIRST though, I had a pomegranitini - YUM! (see picture) Then I had my massage. I was so relaxed the entire time - complete opposite of the hour before. I realized I worked myself up to something ridiculous and that again, it's all in God's hands and I let my worries get the best of me and forgot all about faith.

I'll wait another 6 months and until then, I will continue to work on being positive, having faith and trusting that the good Lord will take care of me.

Today's Daily Affirmation:

"To wish to be well is a part of becoming well." - Seneca quote

This is sooooooo true! If you want to be 'well', there is so much more to it than just fitness, food, etc.. It's the mind, body and spirit and it's the hardest thing I have ever had to work on to make it all 'balanced.' It's a work in progress but each day, week, gets better and better (and no more 'freak outs' like my appointment today!).

The massage was great and just what I needed. I am so at 'peace' right now and feel blessed (once again) for all that I have.

I hope you are all safe and enjoying the rain - it sounds great right now!

Thanks for the continued prayers, thoughts, positive energy and everything!!

You rock!

NIGHT! :)

Rachelle